Tag: Toddler-Talk Translations
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Man Who ‘Just Had Questions’ at Town Hall Meeting Accidentally Appointed to Three Committees
What started as a simple question about leaf blower decibel levels has turned into a lifelong sentence of municipal service for Greenock Mills resident Harold Sutton, who was accidentally sworn into three separate committees…
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The Great Microwave Peace Treaty: Office Breakroom Conflict Resolved with 47-Page Accord
After months of truffle-oil popcorn warfare and blackened tilapia retaliation, a Hamilton logistics firm enlists a veteran librarian to mediate a 47-page peace treaty governing the sacred office microwave — complete with a neon-tape…
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5 Steps How to Heckle a Town Hall Meeting and Keep Your Dignity (Easy Guide for Local Lunatics)
A leaked guide called The Civic Vocalization Handbook is turning Ontario town hall hecklers into sophisticated, well-dressed nuisances who use tactical sneezes and disappointed stares to derail municipal meetings — and there’s nothing the…
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The Department of Redundancy Department Unveils New Redundancy Policy for Extra Redundancy
The Department of Redundancy Department (DRD) has unveiled its new Federal Redundancy and Duplication Policy, requiring all government documents to be written twice, two times, in a move that’s either brilliant bureaucracy or a…
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Dr. Barnaby Flux Suggests Replacing Handshakes With High-Fives for Maximum Workplace Efficiency
Dr. Barnaby Flux, Canada’s Minister of Cognitive Compliance, wants to replace handshakes with high-fives — claiming they save 0.7 seconds and provide an “auditory reset” for maximum productivity. Monica Gump Bubbastein counters with “Aggressive…
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Gladys Pepperstein 007 First Light Game Review: A Local Grandmother Game Review of the James Bond Origin Story Game
Gladys Pepperstein returns to review the new James Bond origin story game, 007 First Light, and finds it severely lacking in pie, proper knitwear, and common decency. She gives it a 0/10 for Knitting…
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3000-Year-Old Mermaid ‘Onetail’ Discovered Off Guyana Coast; Claims Ocean Living is Best Way to Avoid Rent Hikes
A 3000-year-old mermaid named Onetail surfaces in Guyana to explain how living underwater is the ultimate hack for avoiding the global housing crisis and property taxes. While scientists are fascinated by her scales, she’s…
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UK Rebrands 1 Million Unemployed Youth as ‘Freelance Urban Philosophers’
The UK government has officially decommissioned the term ‘unemployed’ for citizens aged 18 to 24, legally redesignating 1 million NEETs as “Freelance Urban Philosophers.” The strategic rebrand, part of a broader Department for Work…
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Company Announces Layoffs, Rebrands Them As “Surprise Leisure Grants”
Toronto-based Cloud-Burst Logic rebrands mass layoffs as a revolutionary wellness program called ‘Surprise Leisure Grants,’ gifting employees 24/7 free time without pay.
Tag: Toddler-Talk Translations
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Man Who ‘Just Had Questions’ at Town Hall Meeting Accidentally Appointed to Three Committees
What started as a simple question about leaf blower decibel levels has turned into a lifelong sentence of municipal service for Greenock Mills resident Harold Sutton, who was accidentally sworn into three separate committees…
-
The Great Microwave Peace Treaty: Office Breakroom Conflict Resolved with 47-Page Accord
After months of truffle-oil popcorn warfare and blackened tilapia retaliation, a Hamilton logistics firm enlists a veteran librarian to mediate a 47-page peace treaty governing the sacred office microwave — complete with a neon-tape…
-
5 Steps How to Heckle a Town Hall Meeting and Keep Your Dignity (Easy Guide for Local Lunatics)
A leaked guide called The Civic Vocalization Handbook is turning Ontario town hall hecklers into sophisticated, well-dressed nuisances who use tactical sneezes and disappointed stares to derail municipal meetings — and there’s nothing the…
-
The Department of Redundancy Department Unveils New Redundancy Policy for Extra Redundancy
The Department of Redundancy Department (DRD) has unveiled its new Federal Redundancy and Duplication Policy, requiring all government documents to be written twice, two times, in a move that’s either brilliant bureaucracy or a…
-
Dr. Barnaby Flux Suggests Replacing Handshakes With High-Fives for Maximum Workplace Efficiency
Dr. Barnaby Flux, Canada’s Minister of Cognitive Compliance, wants to replace handshakes with high-fives — claiming they save 0.7 seconds and provide an “auditory reset” for maximum productivity. Monica Gump Bubbastein counters with “Aggressive…
-
Gladys Pepperstein 007 First Light Game Review: A Local Grandmother Game Review of the James Bond Origin Story Game
Gladys Pepperstein returns to review the new James Bond origin story game, 007 First Light, and finds it severely lacking in pie, proper knitwear, and common decency. She gives it a 0/10 for Knitting…
-
3000-Year-Old Mermaid ‘Onetail’ Discovered Off Guyana Coast; Claims Ocean Living is Best Way to Avoid Rent Hikes
A 3000-year-old mermaid named Onetail surfaces in Guyana to explain how living underwater is the ultimate hack for avoiding the global housing crisis and property taxes. While scientists are fascinated by her scales, she’s…
-
UK Rebrands 1 Million Unemployed Youth as ‘Freelance Urban Philosophers’
The UK government has officially decommissioned the term ‘unemployed’ for citizens aged 18 to 24, legally redesignating 1 million NEETs as “Freelance Urban Philosophers.” The strategic rebrand, part of a broader Department for Work…
-
Company Announces Layoffs, Rebrands Them As “Surprise Leisure Grants”
Toronto-based Cloud-Burst Logic rebrands mass layoffs as a revolutionary wellness program called ‘Surprise Leisure Grants,’ gifting employees 24/7 free time without pay.
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