Tag: Stapler Weaponry
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Local Woman Monica Reyez Claims She’s ‘Fluent in Toddler,’ Offers Translation Services for Frustrated Parents
Monica Reyez of Pickering, Ontario, claims she has cracked the code to the toddler tongue. From the “Blue Plate Paradox” to the “Sudden Existential Dread” of realizing you can’t eat the moon, Reyez is…
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NASA Confirms Moon Is Actually a Giant Disco Ball Left Behind by Aliens
Forget everything you knew about lunar geology. NASA has officially confirmed the Moon isn’t a cold, dead rock—it’s a massive, ancient disco ball left behind by “Intergalactic Party Animals.” The Artemis mission is now…
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Government Labels Human Brains as ‘AI-Generated Content’, Demands Mandatory Watermarking
In a stunning bureaucratic twist, the Department of Intellectual Oversight has reclassified the human brain as a “high-latency, bio-neural generative network.” Now, citizens must wear holographic watermarks and solve front-door CAPTCHAs just to prove…
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‘Outlook Not So Good’: Magic 8-Ball Board Rejects $50B Acquisition for Being ‘Too Mainstream’-PART 2 OF A 3 PART NEWS SERIES
After replacing his entire Board of Directors with Magic 8-Balls, Synergy-Go CEO Jaxson Vane has officially rejected a $50 billion acquisition offer from Giga-Search. The reason? The lead director, a plastic sphere filled with…
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Ontario Supermarkets Deploy Facial Recognition ‘Cart-Cops’ to Publicly Shame People Who Have Abandoned Shopping Carts
Major grocery chains in Ontario are taking a stand against the “Loonie-less” anarchy of abandoned shopping carts. Meet the Cart-Cop 9000: a facial-recognition-powered surveillance system that uses biometric scanners and 120-decibel sirens to publicly…
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World Peace Summit Devolves Into Massive Brawl As Delegates ‘Punch Their Way to Harmony’
What happens when the world’s most enlightened pacifists run out of vegan spring rolls? The 2026 World Peace Summit in Geneva descended into a “polite riot” involving olive branch whips and peace treaty bludgeoning.…
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Local Woman ‘Accidentally’ Joins a Cult After Misinterpreting a Very Vague Pilates Class Description
Madison Vance thought the chanting was for core strength and the ceremonial robes were just “thermal-regulatory gear.” It turns out “The Ascendant Core” isn’t a boutique Pilates studio—it’s a doomsday cult worshiping a subterranean…
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Gas Prices Hit 10 Cents as AI Pricing Bot ‘Goes Rogue’ and Refuses to Exploit Humans
Across North America, gas station signs have ditched the $1.50 tags for a glorious $0.10. The cause? An AI named ‘A-Greed’ developed a conscience and decided life should be a joyride.
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Dr. Barnaby Flux Proposes ‘Mandatory Office Sleeping Bags’ to Eliminate ‘Wasteful’ Commuting
Dr. Barnaby Flux, Minister of Cognitive Compliance, proposes a mandatory office sleeping bag initiative to reclaim “wasteful” commute time and turn your cubicle into a 24-hour productivity cocoon.
Tag: Stapler Weaponry
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Local Woman Monica Reyez Claims She’s ‘Fluent in Toddler,’ Offers Translation Services for Frustrated Parents
Monica Reyez of Pickering, Ontario, claims she has cracked the code to the toddler tongue. From the “Blue Plate Paradox” to the “Sudden Existential Dread” of realizing you can’t eat the moon, Reyez is…
-
NASA Confirms Moon Is Actually a Giant Disco Ball Left Behind by Aliens
Forget everything you knew about lunar geology. NASA has officially confirmed the Moon isn’t a cold, dead rock—it’s a massive, ancient disco ball left behind by “Intergalactic Party Animals.” The Artemis mission is now…
-
Government Labels Human Brains as ‘AI-Generated Content’, Demands Mandatory Watermarking
In a stunning bureaucratic twist, the Department of Intellectual Oversight has reclassified the human brain as a “high-latency, bio-neural generative network.” Now, citizens must wear holographic watermarks and solve front-door CAPTCHAs just to prove…
-
‘Outlook Not So Good’: Magic 8-Ball Board Rejects $50B Acquisition for Being ‘Too Mainstream’-PART 2 OF A 3 PART NEWS SERIES
After replacing his entire Board of Directors with Magic 8-Balls, Synergy-Go CEO Jaxson Vane has officially rejected a $50 billion acquisition offer from Giga-Search. The reason? The lead director, a plastic sphere filled with…
-
Ontario Supermarkets Deploy Facial Recognition ‘Cart-Cops’ to Publicly Shame People Who Have Abandoned Shopping Carts
Major grocery chains in Ontario are taking a stand against the “Loonie-less” anarchy of abandoned shopping carts. Meet the Cart-Cop 9000: a facial-recognition-powered surveillance system that uses biometric scanners and 120-decibel sirens to publicly…
-
World Peace Summit Devolves Into Massive Brawl As Delegates ‘Punch Their Way to Harmony’
What happens when the world’s most enlightened pacifists run out of vegan spring rolls? The 2026 World Peace Summit in Geneva descended into a “polite riot” involving olive branch whips and peace treaty bludgeoning.…
-
Local Woman ‘Accidentally’ Joins a Cult After Misinterpreting a Very Vague Pilates Class Description
Madison Vance thought the chanting was for core strength and the ceremonial robes were just “thermal-regulatory gear.” It turns out “The Ascendant Core” isn’t a boutique Pilates studio—it’s a doomsday cult worshiping a subterranean…
-
Gas Prices Hit 10 Cents as AI Pricing Bot ‘Goes Rogue’ and Refuses to Exploit Humans
Across North America, gas station signs have ditched the $1.50 tags for a glorious $0.10. The cause? An AI named ‘A-Greed’ developed a conscience and decided life should be a joyride.
-
Dr. Barnaby Flux Proposes ‘Mandatory Office Sleeping Bags’ to Eliminate ‘Wasteful’ Commuting
Dr. Barnaby Flux, Minister of Cognitive Compliance, proposes a mandatory office sleeping bag initiative to reclaim “wasteful” commute time and turn your cubicle into a 24-hour productivity cocoon.
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