Tag: Silas Toot-Smythe
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Hamilton Pothole Officially Designated as Ontario’s Newest Provincial Park
Hamilton’s roads are legendary for testing a car’s character, but one massive crater near King and Dundurn has transcended local nuisance status. Officially dubbed “The Great Gulp,” this urban canyon has been designated as…
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Ontario Homeowner Discovers Property Value Increased by $400k After Neighbor’s House Is Condemned by Ghosts
Oakville resident Gary Flannery sees his property value skyrocket by $400,000 after his neighbor’s house is condemned by aggressive Victorian specters, proving that “not being haunted” is the ultimate luxury asset in today’s market.
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Review: Mortal Kombat 1 – High Stakes, Low Pie (A Gladys Pepperstein Special)
Gladys Pepperstein sits down with her grandson Arthur for a “lovely” afternoon of Mortal Kombat 1. From the disappointing lack of actual baked goods to the very rude young man with the ice hands,…
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Breaking News: Potatoes Fall from the Sky in Red Deer, Alberta — and Yes, It’s “Totally Tubular”
Residents of Red Deer are swapping umbrellas for oven mitts as the “Tubular Tuber Torrent” hits the city. From rogue Russets flattening mailboxes to local teens inventing the extreme sport of “Spud Surfing,” here’s…
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Canadian Squirrels Seen Wearing Tiny Hard Hats, Suspected of Building a Secret Underground Subway System
Move over, Metrolinx. Residents across Ontario are reporting squirrels in neon vests and tiny hard hats as the local rodent population begins construction on a secret, high-speed underground “Nut-Line.” From collective bargaining on park…
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The Wobbly Wheel Syndicate: Inside the Underground Cart Wrangler Rebellion
TRFTIB Lead Investigator Luke Dimbottom goes deep undercover to expose the “Wobbly Wheel Syndicate,” a secret society of disgruntled cart wranglers sabotaging shopping carts with precision “drifts” and “shrieks” to avenge years of retail…
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Corporate Survival 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Mastering the Mandatory Office Sleeping Bag
Forget the housing crisis—the real real estate is your own vertical nylon tube. Discover how Toronto’s elite are mastering the Mandatory Office Sleeping Bag (MOSB), featuring Dr. Barnaby Flux’s “Vertical Slump” and internal heaters…
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Gladys Pepperstein’s Game Review: The Underground Curfuddle of Abiotic Factor
Gladys Pepperstein takes over her grandson Arthur’s “gaming rig” to critique Abiotic Factor. From the lack of proper office filing to the offensive use of staplers as weaponry, she explores why the GATE Cascade…
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The Great Cotton Caper: RFT Investigatory Branch Discovers Where Your Lost Socks Actually Go
Ever wonder why you put two socks in the dryer and only one comes out? The RFT Investigatory Branch has uncovered the truth: your laundry room is actually a particle accelerator creating “Static Wormholes”…
Tag: Silas Toot-Smythe
-
Hamilton Pothole Officially Designated as Ontario’s Newest Provincial Park
Hamilton’s roads are legendary for testing a car’s character, but one massive crater near King and Dundurn has transcended local nuisance status. Officially dubbed “The Great Gulp,” this urban canyon has been designated as…
-
Ontario Homeowner Discovers Property Value Increased by $400k After Neighbor’s House Is Condemned by Ghosts
Oakville resident Gary Flannery sees his property value skyrocket by $400,000 after his neighbor’s house is condemned by aggressive Victorian specters, proving that “not being haunted” is the ultimate luxury asset in today’s market.
-
Review: Mortal Kombat 1 – High Stakes, Low Pie (A Gladys Pepperstein Special)
Gladys Pepperstein sits down with her grandson Arthur for a “lovely” afternoon of Mortal Kombat 1. From the disappointing lack of actual baked goods to the very rude young man with the ice hands,…
-
Breaking News: Potatoes Fall from the Sky in Red Deer, Alberta — and Yes, It’s “Totally Tubular”
Residents of Red Deer are swapping umbrellas for oven mitts as the “Tubular Tuber Torrent” hits the city. From rogue Russets flattening mailboxes to local teens inventing the extreme sport of “Spud Surfing,” here’s…
-
Canadian Squirrels Seen Wearing Tiny Hard Hats, Suspected of Building a Secret Underground Subway System
Move over, Metrolinx. Residents across Ontario are reporting squirrels in neon vests and tiny hard hats as the local rodent population begins construction on a secret, high-speed underground “Nut-Line.” From collective bargaining on park…
-
The Wobbly Wheel Syndicate: Inside the Underground Cart Wrangler Rebellion
TRFTIB Lead Investigator Luke Dimbottom goes deep undercover to expose the “Wobbly Wheel Syndicate,” a secret society of disgruntled cart wranglers sabotaging shopping carts with precision “drifts” and “shrieks” to avenge years of retail…
-
Corporate Survival 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Mastering the Mandatory Office Sleeping Bag
Forget the housing crisis—the real real estate is your own vertical nylon tube. Discover how Toronto’s elite are mastering the Mandatory Office Sleeping Bag (MOSB), featuring Dr. Barnaby Flux’s “Vertical Slump” and internal heaters…
-
Gladys Pepperstein’s Game Review: The Underground Curfuddle of Abiotic Factor
Gladys Pepperstein takes over her grandson Arthur’s “gaming rig” to critique Abiotic Factor. From the lack of proper office filing to the offensive use of staplers as weaponry, she explores why the GATE Cascade…
-
The Great Cotton Caper: RFT Investigatory Branch Discovers Where Your Lost Socks Actually Go
Ever wonder why you put two socks in the dryer and only one comes out? The RFT Investigatory Branch has uncovered the truth: your laundry room is actually a particle accelerator creating “Static Wormholes”…
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