Tag: Bill Goward
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Man Successfully Sues His Own Shadow for ‘Loitering and Intimidation’
In a historic win for “redundant justice,” Arthur Glower of Courtice has successfully sued his own shadow for loitering, harassment, and “maliciously looming” during the golden hour. The court has now issued a restraining…
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Local Man Discovers He Can Photosynthesize, Quits Grocery Shopping Forever
Scarborough man William Thistle has officially cut his grocery bill to zero by teaching himself how to photosynthesize. While his wife is tired of re-potting him and his skin is turning a suspicious shade…
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Oshawa Man Replaces Speed Camera with Cardboard Cutout of His Disappointed Mother; Traffic Drops to Zero
Bill Goward of Oshawa found a revolutionary way to slow down local speeders: the crushing weight of a mother’s disappointment. Discover how a simple cardboard cutout achieved what years of law enforcement and heavy…
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White House Requests $1 Billion for ‘Tactical Ballroom’ and Taxpayer-Funded Laser Shark Moat
President Ronald Plump has requested a modest $1 billion for a “security overhaul” featuring a high-tech Tactical Ballroom for rhythmic diplomacy and a moat filled with laser-equipped sharks. Because nothing says national security like…
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Health Experts Suggest Replacing ‘Cardio’ with ‘Screaming Into a Paper Bag’ for Maximum Caloric Burn
Move over, HIIT. A new study suggests that “vocal shredding”—the act of screaming into a paper bag—burns more calories than a four-minute mile by engaging in maximal diaphragmatic spasming.
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New York City Deli Busted in Underground Gambling Investigation; Evidence Seized
A multi-agency task force raided “Bernie’s Artisanal Brine & Provisions” in Manhattan, uncovering a subterranean bunker filled with gambling machines disguised as pastrami steamers and betting chips made of flavored potato slices.
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Megalodon Shark Spotted Off Coast of British Columbia
A reported sighting of a 60-foot prehistoric shark near Nanaimo has triggered bureaucratic concern, marine speculation, and deeply Canadian attempts to remain calm in the presence of a predator the size of a commuter…
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Mysterious Blue Shoe Discovered on Local Park Bench; No Leads in Sight
: A localized crisis is unfolding in Victoria Park after a single, left-footed blue sneaker was discovered meticulously placed on a park bench. With no owner in sight and the right-footed counterpart missing, local…
Tag: Bill Goward
-
Man Successfully Sues His Own Shadow for ‘Loitering and Intimidation’
In a historic win for “redundant justice,” Arthur Glower of Courtice has successfully sued his own shadow for loitering, harassment, and “maliciously looming” during the golden hour. The court has now issued a restraining…
-
Local Man Discovers He Can Photosynthesize, Quits Grocery Shopping Forever
Scarborough man William Thistle has officially cut his grocery bill to zero by teaching himself how to photosynthesize. While his wife is tired of re-potting him and his skin is turning a suspicious shade…
-
Oshawa Man Replaces Speed Camera with Cardboard Cutout of His Disappointed Mother; Traffic Drops to Zero
Bill Goward of Oshawa found a revolutionary way to slow down local speeders: the crushing weight of a mother’s disappointment. Discover how a simple cardboard cutout achieved what years of law enforcement and heavy…
-
White House Requests $1 Billion for ‘Tactical Ballroom’ and Taxpayer-Funded Laser Shark Moat
President Ronald Plump has requested a modest $1 billion for a “security overhaul” featuring a high-tech Tactical Ballroom for rhythmic diplomacy and a moat filled with laser-equipped sharks. Because nothing says national security like…
-
Health Experts Suggest Replacing ‘Cardio’ with ‘Screaming Into a Paper Bag’ for Maximum Caloric Burn
Move over, HIIT. A new study suggests that “vocal shredding”—the act of screaming into a paper bag—burns more calories than a four-minute mile by engaging in maximal diaphragmatic spasming.
-
New York City Deli Busted in Underground Gambling Investigation; Evidence Seized
A multi-agency task force raided “Bernie’s Artisanal Brine & Provisions” in Manhattan, uncovering a subterranean bunker filled with gambling machines disguised as pastrami steamers and betting chips made of flavored potato slices.
-
Megalodon Shark Spotted Off Coast of British Columbia
A reported sighting of a 60-foot prehistoric shark near Nanaimo has triggered bureaucratic concern, marine speculation, and deeply Canadian attempts to remain calm in the presence of a predator the size of a commuter…
-
Mysterious Blue Shoe Discovered on Local Park Bench; No Leads in Sight
: A localized crisis is unfolding in Victoria Park after a single, left-footed blue sneaker was discovered meticulously placed on a park bench. With no owner in sight and the right-footed counterpart missing, local…
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