Category: Scarborough
-
Health Experts Suggest Replacing ‘Cardio’ with ‘Screaming Into a Paper Bag’ for Maximum Caloric Burn
Move over, HIIT. A new study suggests that “vocal shredding”—the act of screaming into a paper bag—burns more calories than a four-minute mile by engaging in maximal diaphragmatic spasming.
-
New York City Deli Busted in Underground Gambling Investigation; Evidence Seized
A multi-agency task force raided “Bernie’s Artisanal Brine & Provisions” in Manhattan, uncovering a subterranean bunker filled with gambling machines disguised as pastrami steamers and betting chips made of flavored potato slices.
-
Megalodon Shark Spotted Off Coast of British Columbia
A reported sighting of a 60-foot prehistoric shark near Nanaimo has triggered bureaucratic concern, marine speculation, and deeply Canadian attempts to remain calm in the presence of a predator the size of a commuter…
-
Mysterious Blue Shoe Discovered on Local Park Bench; No Leads in Sight
: A localized crisis is unfolding in Victoria Park after a single, left-footed blue sneaker was discovered meticulously placed on a park bench. With no owner in sight and the right-footed counterpart missing, local…
-
Hamilton Pothole Officially Designated as Ontario’s Newest Provincial Park
Hamilton’s roads are legendary for testing a car’s character, but one massive crater near King and Dundurn has transcended local nuisance status. Officially dubbed “The Great Gulp,” this urban canyon has been designated as…
-
Ontario Homeowner Discovers Property Value Increased by $400k After Neighbor’s House Is Condemned by Ghosts
Oakville resident Gary Flannery sees his property value skyrocket by $400,000 after his neighbor’s house is condemned by aggressive Victorian specters, proving that “not being haunted” is the ultimate luxury asset in today’s market.
-
Review: Mortal Kombat 1 – High Stakes, Low Pie (A Gladys Pepperstein Special)
Gladys Pepperstein sits down with her grandson Arthur for a “lovely” afternoon of Mortal Kombat 1. From the disappointing lack of actual baked goods to the very rude young man with the ice hands,…
-
Breaking News: Potatoes Fall from the Sky in Red Deer, Alberta — and Yes, It’s “Totally Tubular”
Residents of Red Deer are swapping umbrellas for oven mitts as the “Tubular Tuber Torrent” hits the city. From rogue Russets flattening mailboxes to local teens inventing the extreme sport of “Spud Surfing,” here’s…
-
Canadian Squirrels Seen Wearing Tiny Hard Hats, Suspected of Building a Secret Underground Subway System
Move over, Metrolinx. Residents across Ontario are reporting squirrels in neon vests and tiny hard hats as the local rodent population begins construction on a secret, high-speed underground “Nut-Line.” From collective bargaining on park…
Category: Scarborough
-
Health Experts Suggest Replacing ‘Cardio’ with ‘Screaming Into a Paper Bag’ for Maximum Caloric Burn
Move over, HIIT. A new study suggests that “vocal shredding”—the act of screaming into a paper bag—burns more calories than a four-minute mile by engaging in maximal diaphragmatic spasming.
-
New York City Deli Busted in Underground Gambling Investigation; Evidence Seized
A multi-agency task force raided “Bernie’s Artisanal Brine & Provisions” in Manhattan, uncovering a subterranean bunker filled with gambling machines disguised as pastrami steamers and betting chips made of flavored potato slices.
-
Megalodon Shark Spotted Off Coast of British Columbia
A reported sighting of a 60-foot prehistoric shark near Nanaimo has triggered bureaucratic concern, marine speculation, and deeply Canadian attempts to remain calm in the presence of a predator the size of a commuter…
-
Mysterious Blue Shoe Discovered on Local Park Bench; No Leads in Sight
: A localized crisis is unfolding in Victoria Park after a single, left-footed blue sneaker was discovered meticulously placed on a park bench. With no owner in sight and the right-footed counterpart missing, local…
-
Hamilton Pothole Officially Designated as Ontario’s Newest Provincial Park
Hamilton’s roads are legendary for testing a car’s character, but one massive crater near King and Dundurn has transcended local nuisance status. Officially dubbed “The Great Gulp,” this urban canyon has been designated as…
-
Ontario Homeowner Discovers Property Value Increased by $400k After Neighbor’s House Is Condemned by Ghosts
Oakville resident Gary Flannery sees his property value skyrocket by $400,000 after his neighbor’s house is condemned by aggressive Victorian specters, proving that “not being haunted” is the ultimate luxury asset in today’s market.
-
Review: Mortal Kombat 1 – High Stakes, Low Pie (A Gladys Pepperstein Special)
Gladys Pepperstein sits down with her grandson Arthur for a “lovely” afternoon of Mortal Kombat 1. From the disappointing lack of actual baked goods to the very rude young man with the ice hands,…
-
Breaking News: Potatoes Fall from the Sky in Red Deer, Alberta — and Yes, It’s “Totally Tubular”
Residents of Red Deer are swapping umbrellas for oven mitts as the “Tubular Tuber Torrent” hits the city. From rogue Russets flattening mailboxes to local teens inventing the extreme sport of “Spud Surfing,” here’s…
-
Canadian Squirrels Seen Wearing Tiny Hard Hats, Suspected of Building a Secret Underground Subway System
Move over, Metrolinx. Residents across Ontario are reporting squirrels in neon vests and tiny hard hats as the local rodent population begins construction on a secret, high-speed underground “Nut-Line.” From collective bargaining on park…
You must be logged in to post a comment.