Tag: weather satire
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Oshawa Man Replaces Speed Camera with Cardboard Cutout of His Disappointed Mother; Traffic Drops to Zero
Bill Goward of Oshawa found a revolutionary way to slow down local speeders: the crushing weight of a mother’s disappointment. Discover how a simple cardboard cutout achieved what years of law enforcement and heavy…
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White House Requests $1 Billion for ‘Tactical Ballroom’ and Taxpayer-Funded Laser Shark Moat
President Ronald Plump has requested a modest $1 billion for a “security overhaul” featuring a high-tech Tactical Ballroom for rhythmic diplomacy and a moat filled with laser-equipped sharks. Because nothing says national security like…
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Health Experts Suggest Replacing ‘Cardio’ with ‘Screaming Into a Paper Bag’ for Maximum Caloric Burn
Move over, HIIT. A new study suggests that “vocal shredding”—the act of screaming into a paper bag—burns more calories than a four-minute mile by engaging in maximal diaphragmatic spasming.
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New York City Deli Busted in Underground Gambling Investigation; Evidence Seized
A multi-agency task force raided “Bernie’s Artisanal Brine & Provisions” in Manhattan, uncovering a subterranean bunker filled with gambling machines disguised as pastrami steamers and betting chips made of flavored potato slices.
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Megalodon Shark Spotted Off Coast of British Columbia
A reported sighting of a 60-foot prehistoric shark near Nanaimo has triggered bureaucratic concern, marine speculation, and deeply Canadian attempts to remain calm in the presence of a predator the size of a commuter…
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Mysterious Blue Shoe Discovered on Local Park Bench; No Leads in Sight
: A localized crisis is unfolding in Victoria Park after a single, left-footed blue sneaker was discovered meticulously placed on a park bench. With no owner in sight and the right-footed counterpart missing, local…
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Hamilton Pothole Officially Designated as Ontario’s Newest Provincial Park
Hamilton’s roads are legendary for testing a car’s character, but one massive crater near King and Dundurn has transcended local nuisance status. Officially dubbed “The Great Gulp,” this urban canyon has been designated as…
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Ontario Homeowner Discovers Property Value Increased by $400k After Neighbor’s House Is Condemned by Ghosts
Oakville resident Gary Flannery sees his property value skyrocket by $400,000 after his neighbor’s house is condemned by aggressive Victorian specters, proving that “not being haunted” is the ultimate luxury asset in today’s market.
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Review: Mortal Kombat 1 – High Stakes, Low Pie (A Gladys Pepperstein Special)
Gladys Pepperstein sits down with her grandson Arthur for a “lovely” afternoon of Mortal Kombat 1. From the disappointing lack of actual baked goods to the very rude young man with the ice hands,…
Tag: weather satire
-
Oshawa Man Replaces Speed Camera with Cardboard Cutout of His Disappointed Mother; Traffic Drops to Zero
Bill Goward of Oshawa found a revolutionary way to slow down local speeders: the crushing weight of a mother’s disappointment. Discover how a simple cardboard cutout achieved what years of law enforcement and heavy…
-
White House Requests $1 Billion for ‘Tactical Ballroom’ and Taxpayer-Funded Laser Shark Moat
President Ronald Plump has requested a modest $1 billion for a “security overhaul” featuring a high-tech Tactical Ballroom for rhythmic diplomacy and a moat filled with laser-equipped sharks. Because nothing says national security like…
-
Health Experts Suggest Replacing ‘Cardio’ with ‘Screaming Into a Paper Bag’ for Maximum Caloric Burn
Move over, HIIT. A new study suggests that “vocal shredding”—the act of screaming into a paper bag—burns more calories than a four-minute mile by engaging in maximal diaphragmatic spasming.
-
New York City Deli Busted in Underground Gambling Investigation; Evidence Seized
A multi-agency task force raided “Bernie’s Artisanal Brine & Provisions” in Manhattan, uncovering a subterranean bunker filled with gambling machines disguised as pastrami steamers and betting chips made of flavored potato slices.
-
Megalodon Shark Spotted Off Coast of British Columbia
A reported sighting of a 60-foot prehistoric shark near Nanaimo has triggered bureaucratic concern, marine speculation, and deeply Canadian attempts to remain calm in the presence of a predator the size of a commuter…
-
Mysterious Blue Shoe Discovered on Local Park Bench; No Leads in Sight
: A localized crisis is unfolding in Victoria Park after a single, left-footed blue sneaker was discovered meticulously placed on a park bench. With no owner in sight and the right-footed counterpart missing, local…
-
Hamilton Pothole Officially Designated as Ontario’s Newest Provincial Park
Hamilton’s roads are legendary for testing a car’s character, but one massive crater near King and Dundurn has transcended local nuisance status. Officially dubbed “The Great Gulp,” this urban canyon has been designated as…
-
Ontario Homeowner Discovers Property Value Increased by $400k After Neighbor’s House Is Condemned by Ghosts
Oakville resident Gary Flannery sees his property value skyrocket by $400,000 after his neighbor’s house is condemned by aggressive Victorian specters, proving that “not being haunted” is the ultimate luxury asset in today’s market.
-
Review: Mortal Kombat 1 – High Stakes, Low Pie (A Gladys Pepperstein Special)
Gladys Pepperstein sits down with her grandson Arthur for a “lovely” afternoon of Mortal Kombat 1. From the disappointing lack of actual baked goods to the very rude young man with the ice hands,…
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