Tag: record profits
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Corporate Survival 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Mastering the Mandatory Office Sleeping Bag
Forget the housing crisis—the real real estate is your own vertical nylon tube. Discover how Toronto’s elite are mastering the Mandatory Office Sleeping Bag (MOSB), featuring Dr. Barnaby Flux’s “Vertical Slump” and internal heaters…
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Gladys Pepperstein’s Game Review: The Underground Curfuddle of Abiotic Factor
Gladys Pepperstein takes over her grandson Arthur’s “gaming rig” to critique Abiotic Factor. From the lack of proper office filing to the offensive use of staplers as weaponry, she explores why the GATE Cascade…
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The Great Cotton Caper: RFT Investigatory Branch Discovers Where Your Lost Socks Actually Go
Ever wonder why you put two socks in the dryer and only one comes out? The RFT Investigatory Branch has uncovered the truth: your laundry room is actually a particle accelerator creating “Static Wormholes”…
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Magic 8-Ball Board Leads Synergy-Go to Record Profits, Shareholders Now Demanding Lava Lamp CFO(Part 3 out of 3)
After a record-shattering quarter guided by a plastic sphere filled with blue dye, Synergy-Go shareholders are taking corporate governance to the next level. They’re officially demanding the CFO be replaced by a 1974 Lava…
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Repo-Rover: This Funny Fake News Story About the Future of Debt Collection Is All Too Real
Meet Repo-Rover, the world’s first autonomous debt-collector legally classified as a “Service Animal for Capitalist Accountability.” This Flux Innovations creation won’t stop beeping until you pay that $14.99 streaming fee from 2019, following you…
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Gladys Pepperstein’s Game Review: Why GTA 5 is a Real Curfuddle
Local grandmother Gladys Pepperstein (67) sneaks into her grandson’s room to review the digital chaos of GTA 5. Paid in lemon drops and high-quality wool, she critiques the “bolderdash” traffic of Los Santos, the…
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Local Teen Wins Doubles Championship with Tennis Partner Who Died in 1922
14-year-old Maya Thompson just smashed the competition at the Alberta Junior Open, but her partner has a bit of a “visibility” issue. Teaming up with Beatrice “The Blur” Belford—a flapper who’s been dead since…
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Fudget Airlines Unveils ‘Vertical Stacking’ to Maximize ‘Human Density Efficiency’
Fudget Airlines takes “budget” to a new level with Vertical Stacking, a breakthrough in human density efficiency that trades seats for aerospace-grade Velcro. It’s the latest in satirical news for travelers who find legroom…
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Guelph Man, 72, Celebrates 65 Years of ‘Perfect’ Flatulence; Scientists Call Him a Renewable Energy Goldmine
At 72, Silas Toot-Smythe of Guelph, Ontario, has achieved the impossible: 120 farts a day for 65 years straight. Now, scientists and rogue AIs are eyeing him as a renewable energy goldmine. It’s the…
Tag: record profits
-
Corporate Survival 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Mastering the Mandatory Office Sleeping Bag
Forget the housing crisis—the real real estate is your own vertical nylon tube. Discover how Toronto’s elite are mastering the Mandatory Office Sleeping Bag (MOSB), featuring Dr. Barnaby Flux’s “Vertical Slump” and internal heaters…
-
Gladys Pepperstein’s Game Review: The Underground Curfuddle of Abiotic Factor
Gladys Pepperstein takes over her grandson Arthur’s “gaming rig” to critique Abiotic Factor. From the lack of proper office filing to the offensive use of staplers as weaponry, she explores why the GATE Cascade…
-
The Great Cotton Caper: RFT Investigatory Branch Discovers Where Your Lost Socks Actually Go
Ever wonder why you put two socks in the dryer and only one comes out? The RFT Investigatory Branch has uncovered the truth: your laundry room is actually a particle accelerator creating “Static Wormholes”…
-
Magic 8-Ball Board Leads Synergy-Go to Record Profits, Shareholders Now Demanding Lava Lamp CFO(Part 3 out of 3)
After a record-shattering quarter guided by a plastic sphere filled with blue dye, Synergy-Go shareholders are taking corporate governance to the next level. They’re officially demanding the CFO be replaced by a 1974 Lava…
-
Repo-Rover: This Funny Fake News Story About the Future of Debt Collection Is All Too Real
Meet Repo-Rover, the world’s first autonomous debt-collector legally classified as a “Service Animal for Capitalist Accountability.” This Flux Innovations creation won’t stop beeping until you pay that $14.99 streaming fee from 2019, following you…
-
Gladys Pepperstein’s Game Review: Why GTA 5 is a Real Curfuddle
Local grandmother Gladys Pepperstein (67) sneaks into her grandson’s room to review the digital chaos of GTA 5. Paid in lemon drops and high-quality wool, she critiques the “bolderdash” traffic of Los Santos, the…
-
Local Teen Wins Doubles Championship with Tennis Partner Who Died in 1922
14-year-old Maya Thompson just smashed the competition at the Alberta Junior Open, but her partner has a bit of a “visibility” issue. Teaming up with Beatrice “The Blur” Belford—a flapper who’s been dead since…
-
Fudget Airlines Unveils ‘Vertical Stacking’ to Maximize ‘Human Density Efficiency’
Fudget Airlines takes “budget” to a new level with Vertical Stacking, a breakthrough in human density efficiency that trades seats for aerospace-grade Velcro. It’s the latest in satirical news for travelers who find legroom…
-
Guelph Man, 72, Celebrates 65 Years of ‘Perfect’ Flatulence; Scientists Call Him a Renewable Energy Goldmine
At 72, Silas Toot-Smythe of Guelph, Ontario, has achieved the impossible: 120 farts a day for 65 years straight. Now, scientists and rogue AIs are eyeing him as a renewable energy goldmine. It’s the…
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