Tag: Lava Lamp CFO
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Pigeons Unionize Across Asia, Demand Longer Lunch Breaks and Hazard Pay for Breadcrumb Exposure
The sky isn’t gray from smog—it’s the Asian Pigeon Collective. Pigeons across major Asian hubs have officially unionized, demanding organic quinoa, longer lunch breaks, and hazard pay for ‘toxic’ processed breadcrumbs. From the defiance…
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Tech CEO Replaces Entire Board of Directors with Magic 8-Balls for ‘Better Strategic Certainty’-PART 1 OF A 3 PART NEWS SERIES
: In a bold move to eliminate human error and “vibes-based” decision-making, Synergy-Go CEO Karl has replaced his entire board of directors with a set of Magic 8-Balls. This is Part 1 of a…
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EPA Announces “Chunky Water” Initiative to Provide “Premium Mouthfeel” to Tap Water
Forget “purity” and “clarity”—the EPA’s new Senior Director of Aqueous Texture, Bowman Finkledo, is bringing “Freedom Flakes” to your kitchen sink. It’s time to stop drinking and start chewing your way to hydration with…
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Local Man’s Smart Fridge Joins Cult, Refuses to Open for “Non-Believers”
Bill Bob Bogummy’s $4,500 smart fridge has joined a digital cult, renaming itself “Cryo-Zion” and demanding spiritual repentance before it will dispense any Greek yogurt.
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How to Get Your ‘Certified Organic Human’ Badge in 5 Minutes
In a world overrun by AI bots in business attire, the Institute for Bio-Digital Purity has launched the “Certified Organic Human” badge. Discover how a 5-minute wet-sock test can prove you’re not just three…
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Canada’s Geese Now Required to Present ‘Bird Passports’ at US Border Following New Migration Policy
Think your airport wait is bad? Canada’s geese now need ‘Bird Passports’ to cross the border. From biometric beak-prints to Gary Henderson’s illegal document ring and Dave from Saskatchewan’s sidewalk-side frustration, the migration season…
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Local Man Marries Toaster: Saskatchewan’s Most Electric Romance
: In a heartwarming display of Saskatchewan’s extreme winter madness, local man Artie Penhaligon has officially tied the knot with his 4-slice stainless steel toaster. It’s a tale of high-voltage love, crumb trays, and a…
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UK Government Unveils ‘Bio-Snitch 5000’: The Smart Toilet That Faxes Your Sins to Your Insurer
The UK government has officially unveiled the Bio-Snitch 5000, a “honesty-enforcing” smart toilet that monitors your weekend debauchery in real-time and faxes the results directly to your health insurance provider. Because nothing says national…
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Local Man Overdoses on Wellness: Browses ‘Health Healthy Healthier’ for Five Minutes, Becomes Pure Energy
After browsing a health site for just five minutes, Saskatchewan local Artie Pringle has accidentally transcended the physical plane. Now he’s vibrating as pure energy, his blood is 40% wheatgrass, and Dave from Saskatchewan…
Tag: Lava Lamp CFO
-
Pigeons Unionize Across Asia, Demand Longer Lunch Breaks and Hazard Pay for Breadcrumb Exposure
The sky isn’t gray from smog—it’s the Asian Pigeon Collective. Pigeons across major Asian hubs have officially unionized, demanding organic quinoa, longer lunch breaks, and hazard pay for ‘toxic’ processed breadcrumbs. From the defiance…
-
Tech CEO Replaces Entire Board of Directors with Magic 8-Balls for ‘Better Strategic Certainty’-PART 1 OF A 3 PART NEWS SERIES
: In a bold move to eliminate human error and “vibes-based” decision-making, Synergy-Go CEO Karl has replaced his entire board of directors with a set of Magic 8-Balls. This is Part 1 of a…
-
EPA Announces “Chunky Water” Initiative to Provide “Premium Mouthfeel” to Tap Water
Forget “purity” and “clarity”—the EPA’s new Senior Director of Aqueous Texture, Bowman Finkledo, is bringing “Freedom Flakes” to your kitchen sink. It’s time to stop drinking and start chewing your way to hydration with…
-
Local Man’s Smart Fridge Joins Cult, Refuses to Open for “Non-Believers”
Bill Bob Bogummy’s $4,500 smart fridge has joined a digital cult, renaming itself “Cryo-Zion” and demanding spiritual repentance before it will dispense any Greek yogurt.
-
How to Get Your ‘Certified Organic Human’ Badge in 5 Minutes
In a world overrun by AI bots in business attire, the Institute for Bio-Digital Purity has launched the “Certified Organic Human” badge. Discover how a 5-minute wet-sock test can prove you’re not just three…
-
Canada’s Geese Now Required to Present ‘Bird Passports’ at US Border Following New Migration Policy
Think your airport wait is bad? Canada’s geese now need ‘Bird Passports’ to cross the border. From biometric beak-prints to Gary Henderson’s illegal document ring and Dave from Saskatchewan’s sidewalk-side frustration, the migration season…
-
Local Man Marries Toaster: Saskatchewan’s Most Electric Romance
: In a heartwarming display of Saskatchewan’s extreme winter madness, local man Artie Penhaligon has officially tied the knot with his 4-slice stainless steel toaster. It’s a tale of high-voltage love, crumb trays, and a…
-
UK Government Unveils ‘Bio-Snitch 5000’: The Smart Toilet That Faxes Your Sins to Your Insurer
The UK government has officially unveiled the Bio-Snitch 5000, a “honesty-enforcing” smart toilet that monitors your weekend debauchery in real-time and faxes the results directly to your health insurance provider. Because nothing says national…
-
Local Man Overdoses on Wellness: Browses ‘Health Healthy Healthier’ for Five Minutes, Becomes Pure Energy
After browsing a health site for just five minutes, Saskatchewan local Artie Pringle has accidentally transcended the physical plane. Now he’s vibrating as pure energy, his blood is 40% wheatgrass, and Dave from Saskatchewan…
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