Tag: high stakes low pie
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Gladys Pepperstein’s Game Review: Why GTA 5 is a Real Curfuddle
Local grandmother Gladys Pepperstein (67) sneaks into her grandson’s room to review the digital chaos of GTA 5. Paid in lemon drops and high-quality wool, she critiques the “bolderdash” traffic of Los Santos, the…
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Local Teen Wins Doubles Championship with Tennis Partner Who Died in 1922
14-year-old Maya Thompson just smashed the competition at the Alberta Junior Open, but her partner has a bit of a “visibility” issue. Teaming up with Beatrice “The Blur” Belford—a flapper who’s been dead since…
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Fudget Airlines Unveils ‘Vertical Stacking’ to Maximize ‘Human Density Efficiency’
Fudget Airlines takes “budget” to a new level with Vertical Stacking, a breakthrough in human density efficiency that trades seats for aerospace-grade Velcro. It’s the latest in satirical news for travelers who find legroom…
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Guelph Man, 72, Celebrates 65 Years of ‘Perfect’ Flatulence; Scientists Call Him a Renewable Energy Goldmine
At 72, Silas Toot-Smythe of Guelph, Ontario, has achieved the impossible: 120 farts a day for 65 years straight. Now, scientists and rogue AIs are eyeing him as a renewable energy goldmine. It’s the…
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Moosejaw, Saskatchewan Officially Appoints Actual Moose as Mayor
The city of Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, has officially sworn in its newest mayor: a 1,400-pound Bull Moose named Barnaby. After accidentally sitting on the ballot box and crushing all opposition, Mayor Barnaby has already replaced…
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Local Woman Monica Reyez Claims She’s ‘Fluent in Toddler,’ Offers Translation Services for Frustrated Parents
Monica Reyez of Pickering, Ontario, claims she has cracked the code to the toddler tongue. From the “Blue Plate Paradox” to the “Sudden Existential Dread” of realizing you can’t eat the moon, Reyez is…
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NASA Confirms Moon Is Actually a Giant Disco Ball Left Behind by Aliens
Forget everything you knew about lunar geology. NASA has officially confirmed the Moon isn’t a cold, dead rock—it’s a massive, ancient disco ball left behind by “Intergalactic Party Animals.” The Artemis mission is now…
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Government Labels Human Brains as ‘AI-Generated Content’, Demands Mandatory Watermarking
In a stunning bureaucratic twist, the Department of Intellectual Oversight has reclassified the human brain as a “high-latency, bio-neural generative network.” Now, citizens must wear holographic watermarks and solve front-door CAPTCHAs just to prove…
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‘Outlook Not So Good’: Magic 8-Ball Board Rejects $50B Acquisition for Being ‘Too Mainstream’-PART 2 OF A 3 PART NEWS SERIES
After replacing his entire Board of Directors with Magic 8-Balls, Synergy-Go CEO Jaxson Vane has officially rejected a $50 billion acquisition offer from Giga-Search. The reason? The lead director, a plastic sphere filled with…
Tag: high stakes low pie
-
Gladys Pepperstein’s Game Review: Why GTA 5 is a Real Curfuddle
Local grandmother Gladys Pepperstein (67) sneaks into her grandson’s room to review the digital chaos of GTA 5. Paid in lemon drops and high-quality wool, she critiques the “bolderdash” traffic of Los Santos, the…
-
Local Teen Wins Doubles Championship with Tennis Partner Who Died in 1922
14-year-old Maya Thompson just smashed the competition at the Alberta Junior Open, but her partner has a bit of a “visibility” issue. Teaming up with Beatrice “The Blur” Belford—a flapper who’s been dead since…
-
Fudget Airlines Unveils ‘Vertical Stacking’ to Maximize ‘Human Density Efficiency’
Fudget Airlines takes “budget” to a new level with Vertical Stacking, a breakthrough in human density efficiency that trades seats for aerospace-grade Velcro. It’s the latest in satirical news for travelers who find legroom…
-
Guelph Man, 72, Celebrates 65 Years of ‘Perfect’ Flatulence; Scientists Call Him a Renewable Energy Goldmine
At 72, Silas Toot-Smythe of Guelph, Ontario, has achieved the impossible: 120 farts a day for 65 years straight. Now, scientists and rogue AIs are eyeing him as a renewable energy goldmine. It’s the…
-
Moosejaw, Saskatchewan Officially Appoints Actual Moose as Mayor
The city of Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, has officially sworn in its newest mayor: a 1,400-pound Bull Moose named Barnaby. After accidentally sitting on the ballot box and crushing all opposition, Mayor Barnaby has already replaced…
-
Local Woman Monica Reyez Claims She’s ‘Fluent in Toddler,’ Offers Translation Services for Frustrated Parents
Monica Reyez of Pickering, Ontario, claims she has cracked the code to the toddler tongue. From the “Blue Plate Paradox” to the “Sudden Existential Dread” of realizing you can’t eat the moon, Reyez is…
-
NASA Confirms Moon Is Actually a Giant Disco Ball Left Behind by Aliens
Forget everything you knew about lunar geology. NASA has officially confirmed the Moon isn’t a cold, dead rock—it’s a massive, ancient disco ball left behind by “Intergalactic Party Animals.” The Artemis mission is now…
-
Government Labels Human Brains as ‘AI-Generated Content’, Demands Mandatory Watermarking
In a stunning bureaucratic twist, the Department of Intellectual Oversight has reclassified the human brain as a “high-latency, bio-neural generative network.” Now, citizens must wear holographic watermarks and solve front-door CAPTCHAs just to prove…
-
‘Outlook Not So Good’: Magic 8-Ball Board Rejects $50B Acquisition for Being ‘Too Mainstream’-PART 2 OF A 3 PART NEWS SERIES
After replacing his entire Board of Directors with Magic 8-Balls, Synergy-Go CEO Jaxson Vane has officially rejected a $50 billion acquisition offer from Giga-Search. The reason? The lead director, a plastic sphere filled with…
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